Dear unemployed queers. As you ponder whether and how to re-enter the workforce, I urge you to consider the net effect of your unemployment not just on your own life but upon those of your fellow citizens, indeed upon society at large, by asking a question that may not seem immediately obvious.
Are you a lesbian?
If so, I beg you to remain unemployed.
Lesbians, you see, are guardians of society’s better impulses. And when they have more free time, we all benefit. Don’t believe me? Think, for a moment, of a world without unemployed lesbians. The names of those lost to celiac disease would go un-recited on open mic stages across the world. Kale chips, kale pudding and all other kale-based foods would disappear, perhaps permanently, from potlucks and AA barbeques. Worst of all, discarded animals would no longer receive daily acupuncture, reiki, and scalp massages, sometimes all at once, at local shelters.
It’s a frightening vision.
Yet, as the economy recovers, the global supply of unemployed lesbians is quickly depleting. Each 0.1% uptick in employment means a hectare of unemployed lesbians lost to future generations. That’s why I’m voting yes on AB 201, the Lesbian Jobs Act, which gives employers $5,000 in tax credits for every job denied to a known or suspected lesbian.
If you’re not a lesbian, you must be a male sodomite. In which case the net effect of your ongoing unemployment is rather more complex.
According to the CDC, unemployment rates among male sodomites correlate with rates per capita of syphilis, tracheal gonorrhea, and emergency room admissions for blackouts resulting from constrictions of the vagus nerve during, ahem, rectal events. Personal tragedies aside, the dollars spent to dispense penicillin, tetracycline, and smelling salts come at a direct cost to our public schools. No more music programs, no more tutoring, no more school nurses. It is children—tone deaf, illiterate, lice ridden children—who pay the price when male sodomites go unemployed.
Yet without unemployed sodomites, sample vials of Viktor and Rolf’s Flowerbomb would positively go to waste at Sephora, Craigslist sales of secondhand Bedazzlers would plummet overnight, and the Bonnie Tyler catalogue would sit unjustly neglected at karaoke bars.
Just some things to consider.
What about trannies?
What unintended consequences do we suffer as a society when trannies go unemployed?
I don’t know. I’m not a tranny. While certain Facebook photos from the summer of 2009 indicate otherwise, I resent the conflation. And while I admit I’ve put on a dress or two, including panties and matching hosiery ordered at no small cost from Canada, I assure you it’s only for sex with out-of-town businessmen at the Emeryville Marriot, and most of the time, or at least half of the time, it’s for money. So go ahead. Call me a tranny if you will, but I’m an employed tranny, Goddammit.
I will say this.
Without unemployed trannies, Oakland would no longer lead the world in innovating ever safer and more efficient methods of producing crystal meth at home.
And that would be sad.
I hope that was helpful.
If you found fault with any of the data I’ve presented, you may send your comments to Ernesto Sopprani via Twitter, #gobacktoguadalaharayoujobstealingwetback.
Thank you, and God bless.
[box class=”grey_box”] About Philip – Philip Huang is the founder of the Home Theater Festival and the author of A Pornography of Grief. Follow Philip YouTube Channel